Chapter 28

Yesterday I went to town with my brother and two friends, John and Tony. After going to Best Buy, we went to Barnes & Noble. I found some books by Wittgenstein and one by Foucault I wanted. I can’t wait to read them. Foucault is interesting, and I decided to read Wittgenstein because one of my professors at the University of Texas at Dallas said he is influenced by him, and I wanted to read some Wittgenstein so I knew where he was coming from philosophically.

Today I went to the doctor with my grandmother. She had to get a CAT scan to see if the cancer is in her liver. I read the introduction to one of my Wittgenstein books, but didn’t get too far. I’m looking forward to getting to it, but I need to finish Broch’s The Sleepwalkers before I get to Wittgenstein and Foucault.

I think Michel would benefit from reading Foucault -- perhaps some other queer theorists -- though I’ve only read Foucault, and not much of him. Just an excerpt from The History of Sexuality. I’d like to read that entire book one day. When I have time. I don’t know if that will be possible in the near future. All the same, I think Michel is on the right track with his novel. He seems exceptionally fair. It makes me wonder about him. Admittedly, I’ve written a lot about homosexuality in my own short stories and novels, but not to the extent Michel has with his novel. It does make sense, however, in view of his future sexual relationship with Jessie. Men who are attracted to young girls are oftentimes closet homosexuals. They find homosexuality personally repulsive, but then turn around and want to sleep with someone who has the same body shape as a male. For some reason, they find sleeping with children more moral than sleeping with other men.

Of course, that is only applicable to modern society, as Foucault would point out. This would not and could not apply to, say, Benjamin Franklin, who had a ten-year-old mistress in France. At the time there was a different concept of the role of children and the nature of sexuality. Then, it was not unusual for people we would consider children to get married. The modern sexual prohibitions were not in effect, or even considered relevant.

But we are in the modern world -- or the post-modern world according to some. Perhaps we are even moving away from that. I’m not one to say. But this world, this contemporary world, is very different from the world of the late 1700's. Everything must be analyzable and, therefore, categorizable. Which is why we can talk about Michel’s hidden homosexual desires and how he misdirects them into being attracted to Jessie and her mother.

I’ve been talking to Michel about his book, and I’ve come to these conclusions because of the way he’s talked about the novel. I’ve also met Jackie. What a beautiful woman. I can understand why he chose to sleep with her while he was with Sarah, even if I don’t agree with his decision. Michel introduced her as his girlfriend, though Jackie looked at me, rolled her eyes, and shook her head to tell me he was lying. When he announced he had to go to the bathroom, then left to do so, Jackie leaned up and said, “Michel won’t be here tomorrow after noon. Why don’t you come over and visit me.”

Deciding to play dumb, I said, “I thought he said you were his girlfriend.”

“Ex. We still fuck occasionally, but we’re seeing whoever we want. We’re definitely not dating. Come over tomorrow.”

“You don’t even know me,” I said.

“You have any diseases?”

“No.”

“Neither do I. Come over.”

She said this with her sexy thick-lipped smile, her wide eyes looking at me with intensity. I wondered for a moment if she were sincerely attracted to me or if she simply wanted another person to fuck, to add to her list, so to speak, then remembered that I knew the answer to this, and decided I really didn’t want to be used -- even though I haven’t had sex in a month and a half. I want it attached to love. I knew Jackie couldn’t give that to me. Of course, I realize now my ex-girlfriend couldn’t give that to me either, but at the time, I thought she was. I know I was. Maybe that’s what matters most.