Chapter 11

It's one in the morning, and I left Donna at work so I could come home and work on this novel. We have a new computer, though it's been disappointing so far. It's already locked up, though it was only a few days old and it has a Pentium Processor, and the place we bought it from did not give us the memory they said they would or put the latest version of Word on the computer for us. Hopefully, we'll take care of all that this week.

I'm glad Donna is working. She's doing something at the hospital here in Richardson. To be honest, I already like her a lot better. And it's not just because she's finally working, either. No, her working has helped turn her back into the confident, pleasant, strong woman I fell in love with.

I like strong, confident women. They have character. That's why I like Sarah and Jackie. Both are extremely strong women, although they did fall in love with a very weak man. Of course, Jackie did break up with Michel, which shows she learned enough about him not to want him anymore, though at the same time, she has chosen to keep living with him and start having sex with him again. One could argue, I suppose, that she has simply started using him, relegating him to a sort of Hegelian slave position, but the fact is, as Hegel points out, the slave in these situations can oftentimes gain so much power over the master, who relies too much on the slave's presence, that the roles are reversed. Thus, Jackie is putting herself in a potentially dangerous position by trying to gain sexual power over Michel. While it is true they both said it would not affect their dating or having sex with other people, how could it not? Even someone as strong as Jackie cannot help but look upon every woman Michel brings home as someone who is using her penis. It’s a form of jealousy - a form of jealousy possible because, truth be told, she really did love having sex with him. She did not care much for Michel himself, but she was fond of his penis.

But you know, I'm sitting here writing all this, thinking about the relationship between Michel and Jackie, which is anything but romantic, on a day when I'm feeling far more romantic toward Donna than I have in a long time, and I'm thinking I should write about something more romantic, something befitting my feelings.

I'm thinking, too, that I should probably listen to something far more romantic than Pearl Jam's "Yield" if I really want to write about something romantic, but I don't know if I have anything you could call romantic in my CD collection. I have lots of 90's grunge and 60's psychedelic, but not much romantic music. The closest thing I have is The Beatles, since they did often write about love. Maybe I'll go find something by The Beatles after I finish listening to "Do the Evolution."

I just put on "Let It Be." I love the song "Two of Us." It's such a pretty song, and should put me in the proper romantic mood to write about something more appropriate to Valentine's Day.

I'm thinking, but I don't think it's possible to do anything sweet with any combination of characters I've already introduced -- unless I want Sarah and Jackie to hook up. I don't -- I don't see either of them as lesbians or bisexual (though Jackie would come closest) -- so I'll have to come up with someone else.

I've already said Michel and Sarah aren't going to work out -- or else he would not be living by himself and sleeping with his neighbor and her daughter, so I suppose I could introduce the man Sarah eventually does marry. I told Donna I used to have a male Readings in Fiction professor named Kim, and she told me she used to date a man named Kim too, so I think I'll name Sarah's future husband Kim. It's an unusual name for a man, but there's nothing wrong with that. It will help him stand out in your mind. How many of you will be able to forget a male character named Kim -- at least, one who is white and not Chinese.

I think Kim is a nice-looking man - he wouldn't remind you of a Greek god or anything, but he's not hard on the eyes either. He should exercise, but doesn't, so he has a tummy, not that Sarah cares. Sarah is not the kind of woman who notices things like tummies. No, Sarah is the kind of woman who notices the kindness of his blue eyes, the intelligent smile he has when talking to her, the gentleness of his touch as he comforts her. Sarah notices the joy he has in being with her, the joy he has in talking with her about all the things she likes that he does and even those he is indifferent to (things you would never know he was indifferent to, he looks so interested in them). I can see them sitting in a restaurant - perhaps the same one Sarah and Michel frequented when they were seeing each other - only there is a tangible difference here. Sarah is not questioning why she is attracted to Kim. There is no question why she would be attracted to him. Any woman in her right mind would be. Sarah concludes, therefore, that since she is the one sitting with him, that most women aren't in their right mind. He is leaning forward, listening as she talks, interested in everything she says or thinks or believes. Michel could never show that kind of interest in her or any woman. No one was as interesting as he was to himself. Kim did not hold this opinion of himself. True, Kim was self-confident, but it was never at the expense of others. He felt he could learn from every person he met. He felt he could love whoever was in front of him by simply listening.

It took Sarah a long time to learn to love someone like Kim. In order to love someone who could love you as much as Kim was capable of loving, Sarah first had to learn to love herself enough not to settle for someone like Michel. Kim was the kind of man who could bring her to the point where she could allow herself to love him. His every word was encouragement, telling her she was beautiful, intelligent, fascinating, interesting, everything he could want. It took him three weeks to talk her into loving him. They had been dating for three months by the time we see them.

Kim and Sarah are sitting at the table in the restaurant. The restaurant always had dim lights, but Sarah was convinced they were more romantic now. There was a little candle on the table, flickering against the wall, light dancing up the wall, on each of their faces, a dance of shadows even more romantic than the dim lights. Their drinks were sitting on the dark wood table, making sweat circles around their bases. Sarah was talking about the problems she was having getting published.

"I don't understand it," she said. "I've read dozens of literary magazines, and to be honest, if that's any indication of what they consider to be good stories, there's no reason why they shouldn't be publishing me. I've never seen so much garbage in my life. How can they publish some of that shit?"

"It's all a matter of taste, honey. Publishing is a game. You have to get your story to the right editor when he's in the right mood when he hasn't published or read anything like that recently before it's going to be accepted. That's not very good odds, even if you are the next Chekhov."

"I wouldn't say I'm the next Chekhov..."

"I'd say you're definitely a brilliant writer, and if you haven't been discovered, it's only because the right editor hasn't read you yet. Sometimes the world's not ready for a certain writer, you know, and it takes a while before you're recognized or even published."

"Yeah, but that doesn't get the bills paid."

"You writing for the money?"

"No, but a woman's got to eat."

"I understand. But don't worry about it. You're a genius. You'll be discovered soon enough, and then everything will be easy."

"I wish it were that easy. But enough of that kind of talk. We're on a date, remember?"

"I see nothing wrong with talking about our future over dinner." They were interrupted by their salads arriving. Kim looked down at his salad to discourage a response. He wanted her to think about what he'd just said. He wanted it to sink in.

Sarah looked down at her salad, then back up at him, contemplating his crown before deciding to go ahead and say, "I didn't realize we were talking about our future."

Kim looked up at her, his blue eyes gazing into hers. "Why else would I want to hear about your dreams if I didn't expect to make them mine?"

"Are you asking me something?"

"If I had a ring, I would. But I don't. Would you settle for being engaged to be engaged?"

Sarah giggled. "Are you asking me now if you can ask me later to marry you?"

"Sure. It's safer than actually asking you to marry me."

Sarah frowned. "Why?"

"Because if you say 'yes' now, there's almost a hundred percent chance you'll say yes when I do ask you to marry me. But if you say 'no' now, it won't hurt as much, because I won't have asked you to actually marry me, but to allow me to ask you later to marry me."

Sarah's frown cracked. "I think I kept up with all that."

"So what do you say?"

"Yes. Of course you may ask me to marry you. Shall we set a date?"

"No, let's not set a date. Let's keep it open so I can surprise you when I do ask you to marry me."

"I don't think it will be much of a surprise."

"I don't know. I think I could still make it a surprise."

"Of course, I could just surprise you and ask you to marry me."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Kim said, taking his first bite of salad. "I'm modern and all that. I'm liberated."

"Whatever," Sarah said. "I don't care how we do it, so long as we get to stay with each other."

"We will," Kim said. "I won't let you go."

Sarah leaned halfway across the table. "I love you," she whispered.

Kim met her across the table, kissing her. "I love you, too."

Sarah moved in with Kim three weeks later, before either got around to asking the other to marry them. The night she moved in was the first night they made love. It was the first night either thought of the other as someone sexual, and it made them see each other in a new light, giving their love new facets for that light to reflect from, to illuminate new aspects of being between the two that neither could have known, absent their making love. Sarah was not a virgin, but that night she felt like it was the first time any man had ever made love to her. Kim had literally and figuratively touched her in ways no man had ever touched her before. As she lay next to him for the first time that night, half-covered by his dark blue sheets so her breasts lay exposed to the cool air of the room, running her hand across his chest, she became determined that their mutual pleasure was to become her primary concern. He was the first man she ever loved enough to want to make the center of her world. Kim felt the same way about her.

I can think of no better place to leave Sarah and Kim - lying together in bed, more in love than either had been before. Over the next few months, both fell further in love, until Kim could wait no longer and asked her to marry him. Being sentimental -- and, unfortunately, not very original in this case -- he asked her to marry him on Valentine's Day. Of course, she said “Yes.” Within the year, they were married, and shortly afterwards, they settled into love together. It lost its sharp edges, its brilliant sparkle, its vital turbulence, and settled into something deeper, something that would nourish and hold them together -- not without conflict, of course, since no two people can live (or love) without conflict -- in a way their former love, as strong and beautiful as it was, never could. In addition to being in love, they finally learned, after their first year of marriage, to also love each other.

And so, I finish this chapter at almost 2:45am, listening to Fiona Apple while Donna's at work. I thank The Beatles, Fiona Apple, and Donna, who has become again the woman I fell in love with, for making me able to write this chapter and talk about the most dangerous, most painful, most heartbreaking, most wrenching, most beautiful thing in the world. Thank you, my love, for allowing me to experience love for the first time in my life so I can actually write about it and not just wonder on paper what it's like.